D(evol)vED

There is something

that is residing

inside of me and

it’s quite terrifying,

not because it’s alive

but for the fact that

it’s been slowly dying

for some time now

and I don’t know how 

I can possibly save it;

this unnamed thing 

that’s fighting for its life

somewhere inside of me,

this beautifully brave, 

unseen, breathing being

ceasing to be, inside me,

I know when we part 

that my heart will become

the bloodiest crime scene

that there has ever been,

that’s where I imagined

this wondrous, amazing,

life saving thing, that I 

decided to name love,

has always chosen to live.

Post Apocalyptic

I see cities darkened,

their secrets laid bare,

I see the air streaked

with wisps of red and

a horizon line painted 

a faded orange where 

the blue is becoming

a midnight hue, while 

the sun quickly slips

below and out of view,

I see a whole new world

rising from the ashes,

all enveloped in black,

I can see the future now

and there’s no turning back.

Disastrous

Your cowardice is so

utterly despicable 

that it’s sickening,

what an insecure 

little girl you are,

hiding behind lies 

and a completely 

contrived identity,

such a soul-sucking,

heartbreaking,

fucking train wreck 

of a mess you are,

you’re a total disaster,

a roller coaster ride of

bi-polar mood swings,

insincere ramblings,

a lack of any maturity 

and a false sense of pride,

so do me this one favor

whenever you get time,

make yourself useful and

just end your worthless life.

Breaking Point

I couldn’t tell you exactly

when I actually quit caring,

it happened so gradually 

I naturally hadn’t noticed,

until one day I just realized 

I didn’t idealize you anymore,

maybe it was your consistent 

complete disinterest in me or 

simply my failure to impress,

less than adequate attempts

had invariably gone unnoticed,

and my unwavering devotion

was to finally be rewarded by 

being quite casually replaced

with a meaningless infatuation,

a situation that ended abruptly 

by you being roughly discarded

and still I was regarded as less,

an unacceptable alternative you

absolutely refused to settle for,

maybe I just bored you to tears

or my appearance disappointed,

I’m sure you were annoyed when

it seemed I would never go away,

but the day eventually arrived

when I decided to stop trying,

so tired of pining over someone 

who doesn’t care if I’m around.

New Dawn

I’m pretty fucked up

and half drunk

all the time,

I guess that’s why

I can’t find any peace

or why I can’t sleep

even just a wink

to save my life, 

I guess I’m tired of 

the strife and struggle,

simply muddling along

like humming a song

instead of singing it,

repeating the same shit

like a broken record,

an unbearable routine

of excruciating monotony,

I wish I could see the end

but instead it’s a continuum 

of doldrums and pain,

and a scathing disdain

for a misspent life that’s 

always more of the same.

Playing the Fool

Shame on me for 

ever letting you get 

my head all turned,

but you fly too close

to the sun and you’re 

bound to get burned, 

I suppose that trust

really should become

another four letter word,

after all that’s just about

how many years I wasted,

disgracing myself for a 

taste of success, and

what a mess I made staying 

ever faithful to a woman 

who’s idea of love was

just a well crafted ruse.

Nightlife

I go out nights now,

because staying in

had gotten to be an

unbearable routine,

of flipping through

glossy paged magazines,

filled cover to cover

with false imagery 

depicting scenes of 

how my life could be;

checking my Instagram feed,

which is full of people

who seem to be leading 

such exciting lives, but

it’s mostly lies, I know,

their photos only showing

what they want you to see,

a freeze framed memory

probably taken years ago.

So I decided that pictures

are better framed on shelves,

and I go out nights now 

to experience life for myself.

  

Step by Step

What a week it’s been! I started this journey of mine just a week ago and already so much has happened I can hardly cram it all into one post. The opening quote from Lao Tzu happens to be quite appropriate given that all journeys begin with just a step. My first one was to go out and procure the necessary supplies I’d need to venture out into the wild.

After that was complete step two was training. See a couple friends of mine invited me on what is arguably the most dangerous hike in the entire Shenandoah National Park, Old Rag Mountain, so I thought maybe a little preparatory physical training would be a smart idea, little did I know just how much of a difference it would make! And even though I walked….and walked and walked until I was sick of walking, I was still underprepared for what would be one of the most strenuous yet rewarding hikes I’d ever been on.

I even made some new friends

and finally I reached the summit!

 

A couple important lessons I learned on this outing: never stop moving; never tell yourself it’s almost over, it’s only over when it’s over and never before; and it’s not until you know what you are capable of that you may know of that which you are not. I will leave you with a song that, despite its title, kept me going when all I wanted to do was quit.

UPDATE: I completely forgot to mention that the entire hike was frought with giant bumble bees or how this particularly stubborn rattlesnake didn’t want to move from the middle of the trail, but maybe I’d better save that story for another post!

Until Next Time,

Erik

Day 1

Everyone’s searching for something, something to help them make sense of this senseless shit show we call existence, or just something to give their lives a sense of purpose. Some people are even lucky enough to actually find that special something be it a career, a calling, a passion, or even another person, but for most of us the search itself is as far as we will ever get in our quest for personal and/or spiritual enlightenment. However, in order to succeed, one must actually begin that journey of self discovery and not just contemplate it. Someone once said “It’s never too late to be who you might have been”, and while it may never be too late I’m certainly done wasting any more time on things, and especially people, that aren’t worth another fucking second of that ever so precious and finite resource.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this is the beginning of that journey for me. I’m hitting the open trail, hiking and biking my way towards some type of personal salvation before I wake up one day and realize that maybe it is too late after all. So while I am sure to post more poetry, this blog is going to morph into something else, a journal of sorts, of this journey into the wild. I’m not promising daily updates but I want to try to post regularly, whether it’s photos, thoughts, poetry or just songs from a yet to be created playlist.

I want to thank Helena for her inspirational, and brutally honest writing that has partially inspired me and I especially want to thank my friend Cynthia for everything she is, which is the most beautiful soul I’ve ever known and one hell of a writer. I sincerely hope you keep writing my dear and all I can really say to you is this:

and with that I leave whoever is still reading this ramble with song 1 on my playlist, enjoy!

Until next time,

Erik

To the Wonder